Imina's Melange

Okay, Please have this last post “Familiar Monsters, 419 and A black Widow in training”.

Enjoy…till I write again!

“I will sue this useless bank!” shouts mummy. The bank manager cringes under Mummy’s monstrous growls. “Madam there is no cause for alarm, now that you’ve come to the Head office we will investigate to the best of our ability”, he says in a quivering voice. “Investigate what? This is an inside job! How can somebody impersonate you and move an illegal amount to another account within the same bank?” Mummy says. She asks these questions with violent gesticulations and clinking bangles. “Madam you cannot accuse the bank before we know the facts,” the manager says nervously. That sends mummy into another tirade. She threatens to arrest our branch manager and file a suit within forty eight hours if nothing is done. The manager is shaken but isn’t really taking her threats seriously. One of the two bankers with us smirks and makes a smart comment. Mummy notices. “You think it’s funny?” she asks pointing at him and standing up. Oh God, I think. I’m sitting beside her in the manager’s office holding my head. This woman has lost it. She walks up to the man and puts her finger in his face threatening to have him sacked. She knows the managing director; in fact he is a childhood friend of hers, blah blah. She isn’t joking, she starts calling him on her cell phone. The smirk quickly goes away and this grown man drops to his knees in the office. The other two men yell at him to stand up. They are appalled by his response, and so am I.

I tell mummy to focus, but she’s far away in aristocrats land, actually talking to the MD about the fraud but more about his insubordinate worker. She finally hangs up after twenty wasted minutes. “You will be receiving a query and hopefully a sack letter!” she proclaims. The man is almost in tears talking about how his wife just had their fifth child and he has had two queries already. The head manager has had enough and escorts him out of his office.  I have had enough. I don’t care about the money really, I’ve accepted it as Isimeme’s inheritance and it serves her right that she gave it all to Gladys who has absconded. I sent Yuwa over to her house in Benin; she reported that it was devoid of inhabitants. As for Isi, she is in the police station right now. That’s why I have a huge headache. I begged and even pretended to weep but Mummy did not give a crap; she threw her ass in a cell last night. And this was not a private cell; it had about four women in it, four angry battered women. I was as shocked as Isi, when I brought her with me from Daddy’s house and a police pick up was waiting right inside Mummy’s gate. Now why did I bring this girl home with me? I didn’t want her in daddy’s house unguarded. I thought Mummy would just scare her to her senses and maybe she’d give up Gladys’s potential whereabouts but I didn’t expect Mummy to arrest a nineteen year old helpless girl.

Now I look at Mummy’s beautiful face right beside me and in it I see a familiar monster. I’d forgotten that that monster came out to party once in a while. Mummy is done raining fire and brimstone on her poor subjects. She bids them ‘good day’ and clicks her way out of the bank in her new pair of loubies. In the car I sigh heavily. “And what is that sound for?” Mummy asks me irritably. “Nothing Mummy, you are too much’” I say sarcastically. “I don’t blame you, it your own fault you cannot handle a small rat like Isimeme!” she says disdainfully. “Allowing her ride you like a donkey going to market!” she says. I nod my head sarcastically saying “Yes mother.” Mummy just hisses and starts making phone calls. She calls Uncle Usi to report on the matter all the while cursing Gladys with deep and frightening curses. I burst out laughing when she says ‘barren devil’. Is it that serious? I think. Mummy glares at me and continues her overly loud conversation. I get a text from Kanayo about dinner tonight. I have to pass; I have a girl’s night thing at Reni’s house. He sounds disappointed and his voice becomes crispy, “Oh okay then, go on and have your girl’s night, three days before you travel.” Here we go again. “Kanayo you’ve had me almost every night since last week! Cant I breathe this one night?” I snap. “Breathe? Oh so now I stifle you?” he asks. “That’s not what I meant,” I say quickly. “Right, bye.” He says and hangs up. Really, whatever, we’ll make up later, I think.

The car stops. I look around. We’re at the police station. “What are we doing here?” I ask Mummy. She raises her eyebrows in amusement. “Calm down, I’m not having you arrested too, although sometimes you need it!” she says. With that she leaves me in the car with Mr. T. “Is she getting Isimeme out?” I ask. “Yes,” says Mr. T.  He has been really solemn these days. I start some chit chat about Radio Lagos, he doesn’t really engage. I leave him alone. Just then, Mummy emerges with Isi beside her. Mummy distances herself like she doesn’t want to smell of shit. Isimeme looks very dirty. Her legs are sandy and her top is missing, she has on a ragged t-shirt instead. Oh my God! They beat her! I think. Mummy opens the car door and sees my face. “Relax, nobody touched her, I paid some policewomen to watch her all night.” she says. I don’t know how to respond. I say okay. Isimeme finally gets in the front seat. “Where’s your shirt?” I ask. “One of the inmates wanted it, I gave it to her” she replies quietly. Mummy ignores Isimeme completely and resumes her phone calls; the sale of Irabor oil is being finalized. Mummy hasn’t told me how much money she accepted. She gets off the phone and asks Isimeme one question. “Who helped you transfer the money to Gladys?”  Isimeme doesn’t bother lying; she is exhausted with her situation. “One Mrs. Lawal and Mr. Stevens, they’re her friends in the bank.” says Isimeme.

Mummy hands Isimeme a notepad and asks her to write down everything she knows, including phone numbers. Isimeme sniffles as she writes. We get home and Mummy orders Isimeme to bathe, get her stuff and get out of her house. She throws five thousand on the garage floor. “Take that.” she says and walks inside. I start to turn away from the supposedly broken young girl gathering money from the ground when she calls my name. “What?” I snap at her. “I’m very sorry for everything Imina! I just feel…” she starts to say as big tears roll down her cheeks and mucus slides down her upper lip. “No! Please shut up. Just go! And please stay in school!” I yell. I quickly walk away leaving her on the floor in her wretched snot oozing state.

#

“Hey love! We’re going to have so much fun tonight!” squeals Reni clapping her hands. She gives me a tight hug as I step into her foyer. I pull away from her hug. I’m not buying this sweet girl distraction. “No fun yet, you still haven’t told me what you did to Jide!” I whisper fiercely. “Shhh! Quiet down!” she says. “My dad is in the living room.” I greet her Dad as we walk past the living room and up the stairs to Reni’s suite. “You’ve changed the furniture in here again?” I ask incredulously. She replaced her former fabulous cream leather sectional and queen bedroom set to new fabulous red and gold set. I shake my head. “Chocolate cake, Fruit salad?” she asks sweetly presenting her customized dessert table. “Reni, stop! Come here and tell me how you did that awful thing!” I yell. She breaks into a mischievous laugh and almost skips towards me. She sits on the bed and pulls out a box of body splash from her drawer. She pushes it in my hand excitedly. Is this girl mental? I think. “Bribery will kill you! This is no time for gifts Reni!” I shout. “No ode! It’s not a gift, open the box!” she says beaming.  I open it but I’m still confused. “Okay, it’s perfume?” I say sarcastically. Reni keeps looking at me with that Barbie glass-eyed stare.

I hold the bottle up and look at it closely. There are miniscule particles floating around. Oh my God! I think. Reni tells me it’s a special laxative. She prepared it two days ago and filled her empty body splash bottles with it. Um Bottles? I think. “There are more bottles?” I gasp. Reni nods and opens her shoe wardrobe. There is a stack of perfume bottles under a rack. My mouth drops to the floor as Reni starts to explain. “So you know how Jide loves his La Casera? Every freaking place we go he wants to buy La Casera on the way there!” she says venomously. “Oh, and of course he needs me to open it for him and be his ‘wifey’, so yesterday, on our way to the Raddison, I made him want to buy some La Casera!” says Reni. She tells me the whole devious plot. Being the hot shot he thinks he is, Jide is always on his blackberry. The ‘perfume’ was right between them on the seat. Reni just turned away briefly and emptied the whole bottle in Jide’s La Casera. “I wanted that shit to hook him at the perfect time! You know right in the middle of lunch!” Reni squeals happily.  I start shaking my head. Reni asks what my problem is. “Laxative doesn’t make you throw up! Why was he throwing up?” I ask her suspiciously. It’s a ‘special’ laxative!” Reni says making air quotes. “Where did you get it?” I ask. “A lady who sells herbs in the market, it’s not a NAFDAC kind of laxative, its customized from her.” Reni says.

This girl has finally gone mad. “You’re into juju now? Is it that serious?” I ask incredulous. Reni emphasizes that it’s nothing fetish, just herbs. I cock an eyebrow in wonderment and shake my head in disbelief. “Don’t judge me!” Reni snaps. Just then, Reni’s intercom rings. Debbie and the girls are here. Reni says she needs to get ready. I ask her “Get ready for what?” She ignores me and starts changing clothes and putting on make-up. After ten minutes I’m fed up and leave Reni. I tell her I’m going to meet the girls in the upstairs living room. She says she’s right behind me, I say yeah right.  My hand reaches for the parlor’s door handle when I hear Debbie’s voice whispering away behind it. A few giggles and hisses accompany her words. Debbie just told the whole group about Jide’s shit-down at the Raddisson. “I think Reni doesn’t know how to cook! It must be some of her food that gave him food poisoning!” says Debbie. What the hell? I think to myself. I press my ear to the door. “I heard that Reni has been cooking for him since they got engaged! She brings food to his house at least once a week even though he has a cook!” says an unfamiliar voice. “Since that handsome man became her fiance he has been losing weight!” says Deb. “He probably throws it away and if he eats, he gets food poisoning!” laughs Chioma. “If I had that man, I would treat him right!” says another voice. “But who wants a man that shits in public?” says Chioma, again! High-fiving and hysterical giggling ensues.

I burst into the living room. Everyone jumps guiltily. “Hello Debbie! Hello Chioma!” I say overly cheerily. “Wow, I could hear your voices a mile away!” I say sweetly stressing on the word ‘mile’. They laugh nervously and return my greeting. I do not intend to divulge knowledge of their treacherous conversation. I take a seat on the sofa and allow them introduce me to all the other unknown bitches. Their names are a blur in my head. Apart from Temi who I already know I did not bother to retain any new names in my memory. Their faces swarm around me like a sea of Indian Remy weave, false eyelashes, rainbow eye shadow and Louis Vuitton handbags. Debbie and Temi introduce me as Reni’s fabulous American best friend. I dint see the relevance of the ‘American’ or ‘best friend’ part. I never like titles with friends, besides Mummy is my best friend. Half of the girls have demonstrated that they noticed my accent. It is fully Nigerian with some American inflections; but many Nigerians argue I have a completely American accent. I disagree; I think they just have extremely Nigerian accents. I count at least three condescending blue contact clad eyes rolling away at me. I laugh in my head. Barbie heifers should know when not to try me. 

The door opens and Reni enters the living room. She looks the same way she was when I got there two hours ago. She changed her shirt but Reni always looks the same; plain gorgeous. “Oh Wen- Wen!!” shouts a tall girl with a Briti-gerian accent. She jumps up and engages Reni in a tight hug mixed with weird British sounds like “yeah?” and “innit?” I recognize the voice and roll my eyes. She is the one I had heard say “If I had that man, I’d treat him right.” I watch her and Reni in amusement. They keep holding hands and talking about how they met four years ago and became like sisters. The girl, called ‘Bonnie’ short for ‘Bonike’ had been Reni’s housemate for four years. Chioma joins in saying how she used to stay with them when she visited London during the summer vacations from Unilag. All the girls ‘ooh’ and ‘ah’, giggle and lean in like pathetic, desperately fake maggots. I want to throw up. So you’re all best of friends, right? I think. I raise my arms out and shout, “This is bullshit!” Everybody goes quiet. All eyes turn to me. I rub my hands together and scan the room with a big fat and real smile on my face. “Now…” I start to say.

Hey Guys,

I’m sorry to break the bad news but Imina’s Melange is suspended indefinitely. I have to take care of other business, however Imina’s Melange will be back one way or another.

I’ll post here from time to time to keep you updated.

When IM comes back, Make sure you’re the first to read it! Thanks!